Restore or Quit?
"You will return to the last survivable decision point."
By Kevin Hogg
• • •
The first day of summer had never looked better. A cloudless sapphire sky stretched above, and the forest was bright and inviting. Lyla tied her sandy brown hair into a ponytail and pulled on her bike helmet.
There had been a huge increase in the workload at university this year, and Lyla felt like it had been days since she had seen the sky. She breathed in the smell of warm earth and pine needles, smiling at the thought of freedom after exams.
Not only that, but Colton was also finished for the summer and was coming tomorrow to stay with her. It had been far too long.
She felt the strain in her calves as she pedalled uphill. Speaking of far too long, when was the last time she had made it out to the forest? No problem, she reflected. I’ve got four months of no classes. Plenty of time to get back into the routine.
Reaching the top of the trail, she felt called to the left—an old favourite route. Across the creek on a small wooden bridge, through large patches of flowering salmonberries. And into the path of a grizzly, its golden fur matted while its eyes registered surprise and anger. Lyla responded quickly, reaching for the canister of bear spray she always kept accessible, only to realize that she hadn’t yet replaced the expired one that sat on a counter at home. That was all the time she had before she was flung into the air and the bear sank its teeth in.
• • •
A white room. Maybe larger than a room. So large, there were no walls visible.
And a melodic voice. “Lyla Mullein, choose your path.”
She looked around but saw nobody. “Who are you? Where am I? Is this heaven?”
The voice spoke again: “I have no name, aside from the one you give me. You may call this heaven. But first you must decide—will you stay, or will you return?”
“I don’t understand. Am I dead?”
“If that is your choice.”
Lyla shouted, “No, wait! You mean, I can return?”
“If that is your choice.”
“Of course! I don’t want to die,” Lyla began. “Wait—is this like one of those stories, but I return to being mauled by a bear or bleeding to death in the forest?”
“No, Lyla. You will return to the last survivable decision point. In your case, the fork in the trail.”
“Yes, that! Obviously that! Thank you!”
“No need for thanks. You will find a coin at your feet. Should you need to alter a future event, grasp the coin and say the words ‘Restore or Quit’ to return here.”
She bent down and picked it up, rubbing her fingers over the raised letters R and Q. Despite the situation, Lyla had to laugh. “Restore or quit? Am I in a video game or something?”
“You control your own destiny, if that is what you ask. We are mere observers.”
Before she could respond, Lyla was back in the forest, approaching the fork at the top of the trail. She turned right, bumping over tree roots but enjoying sailing around the curves and through the trees. Refreshed and restored, she unbuckled her helmet and promised herself to return soon.
Reaching into her pocket for the door key, Lyla’s fingers brushed against something unfamiliar. She pulled out the coin, examining both sides. “Where did that come from?” she wondered aloud. “And what do R and Q mean?”
The next day, Lyla woke up, still remembering the exhilaration from the previous day’s ride. Colton’s flight wouldn’t be arriving until 1 p.m., which left her plenty of time…
• • •
Pulling back onto her road, Lyla reflected that she was running a bit behind schedule. Just time for a quick shower and then out to the airport.
She stepped on the brakes. A car was parked in her driveway. Even more puzzling was Colton standing beside the driver’s window, smiling and talking. The smile left when he saw Lyla. He spoke to the driver once more, and the car backed out. Lyla saw only wavy red hair as the car drove away.
Despite the strange situation, she rushed out of the car to give Colton a hug. He backed up a step, looking at Lyla as if waiting for her to speak.
“How was your flight?” she began.
He waved aside the question. “I thought you were coming to pick me up from the airport.”
Lyla’s eyes narrowed in confusion. “Yes…at 1 p.m. Just like you said in the text.”
“I said 1 p.m. Eastern Time.”
Lyla pulled out her phone.
I’ll be in at 1 PM
Remember that’s Eastern Time
Got it
“I didn’t see the second text! I was replying to 1 p.m.!”
Colton sighed. “Well, Jenny’s parents were picking her up, so she dropped them off and gave me a ride. I guess it all worked out anyway.”
Lyla tried to keep her voice even. “Right. Hey, who’s Jenny?”
“We’re in school together. She saw me waiting, so she got her parents to wait and then give me a ride home when you hadn’t showed up after an hour.”
“And she recognized you? The university’s pretty big. How did she know you?”
Colton hesitated. “Well, we had a couple of courses together in first semester and a lab together this semester.”
“Oh. That’s good,” Lyla replied. “I mean, good that she could help out.”
“Yeah.”
Lyla stood and looked at Colton for a few seconds. “So, do you want to come inside? I can carry one of your bags.”
Colton reached down and picked up both. “No, it’s fine. I can get them.”
Inside, she showed Colton to the bedroom. “I got a second dresser, so you can have your own space now.”
Colton seemed not to hear. “I’m kind of tired from the flight and the wait. Maybe I’ll lie down for a while.”
“Oh,” Lyla replied. “Sure. Yeah, go for it. Maybe I’ll make us some lunch for when you wake up.”
“I’m good,” said Colton. “I got some food at the airport while—”
Lyla couldn’t keep it in this time. “Yeah, while you were waiting. I’m sorry I didn’t see the other message, but you have to stop bringing it up every couple minutes.”
“No need to get defensive. Anyhow, I should get to that nap.”
Lyla walked out without a word. Colton was so affectionate over Christmas, telling her repeatedly how much he had missed her. Why did things feel so different? She sat in the kitchen, trying to read but not getting anywhere. Looking back at the bedroom door, she was sure she could see a light shining.
Colton came out an hour and a half later.
“How was the nap?”
“Decent, I guess.”
“Are you hungry?”
“No.”
“Do you want to go out and do something?”
“I was thinking I might just hook up some video games and have some down time. It was a long morning of… well, I mean, I could just use a relaxing afternoon.”
“Okay, maybe we could go for a bike ride tomorrow? There’s a trail I’ve really been—”
“I should get a head start on looking for a job.”
While Colton hooked up the console, Lyla walked casually into the bedroom. She touched the bulb beside the bed. Scorching. She pulled her fingers away quickly and sucked on them to cool them down.
The afternoon and evening progressed about the same. Video games, résumé updates, and a quick drive for some fast food. Lyla volunteered some small talk about her semester. Colton went to bed early.
• • •
Lyla was awakened by a quiet scraping sound. She opened her eyes and saw the glow of her phone screen moving away slowly.
“Colton! What are you doing?”
Even in the darkness, she could sense a panicked look on his face. “I was… just checking the time.”
“What’s wrong with your phone? I saw you bring it to bed, too. Can I have mine back?”
Colton made a noise as if he was about to argue, and then handed it over without a word. Lyla saw a new message. As her eyes focused, she saw it was from Colton.
I’m totally in. But give me a little time. I can’t break up with her right away.
“Oh, real smooth. Can’t keep your girlfriends straight, and you texted me instead of Jenny? You were hoping to delete this before I read it?”
Colton said nothing. Lyla lunged across the bed and grabbed his phone. “Still using the same passcode?”
“Those are my private messages! Give it back!”
“Let’s see. 6-1-1-6. And there we are. So that’s what you were up to when you were pretending to nap.”
“Look! I said I don’t want to break up—”
“Yeah, right away. Just putting in some time so I don’t feel bad about wasting a year waiting for you to come home?”
“Okay, so Jenny and I hung out a bit last year. Honestly, I didn’t even know she lived here. I’m not sure what to think.”
Lyla stormed out of the room. She turned on a light and saw Colton’s video game console. She wasn’t going to be sleeping anyway.
Colton came out and tried to talk, but Lyla turned up the volume. After a few minutes, Colton took the hint and went back to bed. Lyla tried to figure out the controls, but she was completely unfamiliar with the game. Soon enough…
“Restore or quit?” The words on the screen seemed to jog something in her memory. Something just out of reach. She reached over to the coffee table and picked up the coin. She turned it over in her hand. R and Q. “Restore or quit?”
She found herself back in the white room. What was more, she remembered the room. Once again, the voice called out.
“Lyla Mullein, you have returned. Voluntarily this time. We did not expect you so soon.”
She hesitated. “Well, it wasn’t exactly on purpose. But can you change other things, too? Like, could you send me back but make it so that Colton never met Jenny?”
“Do you ask to return to the past or the present?”
“The present, I guess. Just, a present with no Jenny. I mean, just no Jenny in Colton’s life. Or maybe just to yesterday with enough time to pick him up at the airport?”
“You ask a great deal. We are not used to such specific requests.”
“I just think that, for our relationship, it’s the last ‘survivable decision point,’ like you said last time.”
“Very well. May you find the happiness that you seek.”
• • •
The previous morning, Lyla checked her phone as she prepared to head out for a bike ride.
Remember that’s Eastern Time
“Eastern time? So, I need to leave… pretty much now!” She rushed back to the bedroom and pulled on some clothes more suitable for meeting Colton. She had no idea why, but the idea of being even a minute late was unthinkable. She made the drive faster than ever before, at one point passing three cars at a time.
She left her car in the lot without paying for parking and rushed inside to check the arrivals list. She must have made great time, she reflected. The plane wasn’t expected for another twelve minutes.
After watching the plane touch down, Lyla checked the screen again and rushed to meet Colton at baggage claim. He greeted her with a big smile and hug.
On the way back to Lyla’s house, they shared stories of their last semester.
“Oh my gosh! I can’t believe we’re both that bad at schedules!” Colton laughed. “You seriously slept through half of your Political Science final?”
“And you showed up a day early to write your Geology exam?”
“That’s not even the best part. Guess what course I showed up for?”
“It wasn’t Political Science?”
“It sure was. You’d think I would have noticed that it was a different professor and different classmates. And because I looked at the exam paper before I realized, they couldn’t even let me leave because it would ‘compromise the integrity of the exam.’ I had to sit there for 90 minutes, wondering how you memorize all of those details.”
It was exactly the reunion she had hoped for. Day after day of laughs, carefree walks and bike rides, and everything else she had been missing.
Eventually, Lyla had to say what she knew neither of them wanted to hear. “So, I need to think about a summer job. I’ve got some student loan money still, but it won’t hold up for long.”
Colton reached over and squeezed her hand. He sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ve just been enjoying this time so much.”
The next morning, Lyla and Colton drove downtown. A classmate had recommended Lyla to her boss at the bank, and Colton wanted to stop by the newspaper office to talk with an old friend. Standing next to the car, Lyla checked traffic quickly and made a break across the street.
She was almost across when she heard a loud horn to her left. She had just enough time to realize that this was a one-way street and that she hadn’t checked the far lanes. She braced for the impact.
It came from behind. Colton charged and knocked her onto the sidewalk just in time. But she heard a sickening thud and, even without looking back, she knew.
• • •
Lyla felt like she was in a trance for the rest of the day. For all she knew, she was watching her body go through the motions of speaking to paramedics and police. An officer agreed to call Colton’s parents, and even offered to sit with her as Lyla called her own parents to tell them the news. She declined, knowing that she wasn’t ready to say the words and admit that it was real.
Back home, she sat in the living room, wondering how to pass the time. She saw that Colton had left a video game paused. She picked up the controller, trying her best to figure out what she was doing. Once again…
“Restore or quit?” Once more, her subconscious felt like it was screaming at her. Without thinking, she reached for the coin. “Restore or quit?”
Surrounded by white, Lyla remembered everything. The bear. Jenny. Her final look at Colton.
“Lyla Mullein, we meet again. We sense your sorrow and offer our condolences.”
She brightened up. “Wait! You can bring Colton back!”
The voice almost seemed to falter. “Only the person themself can make the decision to return. Colton has decided…”
“He chose not to come back?”
“We assure you that he was torn, but he felt that it was too unnatural.”
“Oh, so he’s just… gone?”
“He will not return to your world.”
“Well, then, I guess I don’t really have anything for now.”
“Lyla Mullein, we can send you back once more. But you must know that this is the final time.”
“You mean that, if anything happens to me now, then—”
“You would not be able to return.”
• • •
Lyla found herself back in the living room. She looked around and saw reminders of Colton everywhere. It had only been a few hours, but the void was enormous.
She called her parents but couldn’t speak. Her mom rushed over, but Lyla’s lips moved soundlessly.
Lyla’s phone rang. When she made no motion to answer, her mother looked at her questioningly. Lyla pushed the phone across the table to her mother, who answered.
“It’s Colton’s father,” she whispered to Lyla.
“Yes, Lyla’s here, but she’s not feeling up to talking. How have you—wait, what?” Her eyes grew wide as she learned the truth. She moved around the table and put her arm around Lyla. The conversation lasted ten minutes, but Lyla couldn’t process a word.
Her mom hung up. “Oh, my baby! Let’s pack up some stuff. Come stay with us for a while.”
• • •
In the morning, Lyla found her voice. Not only that, but the memories of the white room had returned. She knew what she must do.
“I’m going to head out for a bike ride, mom. I think some fresh air will clear my mind.”
Her mom dropped her off at home, telling her to call for a ride as soon as she was done.
“Remember to bring your bear spray. I’ve read that they’re active out there.”
“Of course, mom,” said Lyla, pulling the canister out of the side pocket of her backpack and holding it up.
“That’s great, sweetie. It’s my job to worry about you, especially after—”
“I’ll be fine, mom. I love you.”
She watched her mom drive away, then tossed the bear spray onto the lawn.
She rode out to the trail, turned left, and prayed for a reunion. She numbed her mind to her aching muscles. The pain didn’t matter anymore. “I’m coming, Colton,” she whispered.
• • •
Kevin Hogg is a high school teacher in British Columbia's Rocky Mountains. He holds a Master of Arts degree in English Literature from Carleton University. His short stories tend toward slipstream, and he has spent the last seven years working on a narrative nonfiction account of the summer of 1969. Among his other writing accomplishments are being invited to speak at the American Historical Association annual conference and being recognized three times by the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for (intentionally) bad writing. Outside of writing, he loves the Chicago Cubs, forest walks, and coconut ice cream. His website is kevinhogg.ca.
